workspaces:scout: faulkner’s typewriter
ummmmmmm, awesome.
boys that like to play hard to get, won’t get it. especially if they already have it. and the girl is standing right in front of them. completely unnecessary. it’s like adding an extra step. and then it leads to nowhere! I’m moving on from this kid. he’s weird.
I don’t know what to feel anymore. I’d like to just blurt all of this out without feeling any guilt afterwards. but I don’t know where to put all of these unsettling emotions. there isn’t anyone online i can talk to about this. and even then… i still wouldn’t know what to say.
these dreams i’ve been having lately are screwing with my thought process. i don’t even know what it is i’m feeling anymore, towards life, towards people, towards my future. and it’s dumb, right? to base your emotions on figments of your unconscious thinking. but they have to mean something. i’m just a mess right now. last night was amazing in so many ways. i loved being with my friends and playing baseball, yelling, laughing, dancing, singing. i was so in the moment. but there’s still something about last night that i didn’t get. and i should’ve been able to figure it out based on what happened, or didn’t happen. i don’t know if i like him anymore. i don’t know if i can go on with it. he’s great and cool and funny, but… god. there was nothing there to feed off from! i wanted him to do something so badly, but at the same time, i didn’t. and that’s what made me so confused. because i’ve been waiting for something like this to happen since… forever. and now that i had a chance to really get to know the guy, i blew it. i completely blew it. or maybe i didn’t blow it and i’m just overanalyzing everything? or i really did completely blow it. i don’t know what it is that i want from him. or myself.
i’m just so completely hopeless. i hate feeling this way. i hate not knowing what to do or what to feel. or how to love. or how to act. i keep repeating the night over and over again in my head… trying to find out what went wrong with him, with me. there isn’t anything else i could do. except give it all up. i just don’t. know. and that’s such bullshit in itself because i clearly do know, i just don’t want to say it out loud. or else i’ll start believing it.
somehow, for whatever reason/
the more that’s happening in my life, the less motivated i seem to want to write about it. i haven’t written anything all thanksgiving break. weird? i feel like i’m slowly changing into the person i don’t or do want to be. i haven’t figured it out yet. blogspot: http://www.heartbeatradio.blogspot.com
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Karen O. and the Kids - All is Love
(Where the Wild Things Are O.S.T.)
turned in my essay at 11:58pm.
and I forgot my password at 11:54. And I was having massive trouble resetting my password because my hands were shaking. literally SHAKING. but I did it… I freakin’ made the deadline. mission accomplished.
too bad my essay sucks :D
I’ve been disappointed in my writing lately. I’ve been looking at pasts blogs and I can’t imagine how I was able to write something as thoughtful as that, and not being able to write something just as good, or even better, now. You’re supposed to develop as a writer, aren’t you? Your vocabulary is supposed to become increasingly more sophisticated and your use of semicolons become more at ease, and used correctly – shouldn’t it?
maybe it’s because I haven’t read a decent book in awhile, or maybe I haven’t been blogging as much as I used to. There isn’t a lot to say lately. Life comes, and then it goes. I don’t have a lot to spill, either, and I’m not necessarily always in the chipperest of moods. There’s just no depth to me anymore it seems. There isn’t a lot for me to contemplate on or make something known, proven, whatever. I don’t know what I stand for. What is it that I’m passionate about? I’m at a loss of good imagination. My mind is being saturated in materialism. Nothing of substance. I just keep dreaming about that Urban Outfitters sweepstakes to tell you the truth. I keep thinking about what it would be like to just look and feel absolutely stunning for once.
But I need to redirect my mindset. I want to be able to write something good for my readers because you can be honest, it’s been crap. Or maybe it’s always been crap. But I’m doing this for me. I want to feel. I want to express. I want to be able to just say it, and not hold anything back.
Anyway, I’ve got an essay to write. This is helping me a little bit, I guess.
theidiotsheet:scarymansion:fuckyeahrocknroll: John Lennon
I can’t lie to myself. I like things about you, but I don’t think I like you. Not to say that I don’t like you, but I don’t know enough about you, as a person, to say that I do like you. I just want to take you aside for a day, for a night, and just sit down and talk to you. Just normal, comfortable talking. Two perfectly sane human beings getting to know one another. You’re so interesting to me. I’ve never found myself being attracted to someone like you. Maybe I’m being overshadowed by my own expectation of who you are. This ideal version of you and not the real you. I can only assume what I know from observation and what you’ve given me… but I just want more. I want to know the basics and the personal things. Everything and anything. condensed, broadened, and confessed. just like that. seems so simple. but getting to you has been one of the most difficult challenges I’ve run into this year. Really.
I just keep saying to myself it’s just me. I’m just this small asian girl with all of these thoughts and emotions and won’t shut up. I’m scaring you off, I can feel it happening. I just wish I knew what happens next.
